The relationship between a boyfriend and his girlfriend’s parents is an age-old struggle marked by countless awkward silences and uncomfortable questions about who did what to get who pregnant. As long as the respective answers aren’t “you,” “complex long division,” and “your girlfriend’s mom,” you can’t tie the record for the least-delicate message ever conveyed by Hallmark. There never has been much demand for “sorry about the mathematically-induced pregnancy” cards. As your relationship advances, your girlfriend’s parents will have more of a chance to get to know the real you, which won’t work out in your favor if your only real hobby is seeing how many animal crackers you can hide in the various orifices of you body. For the record, the number is forty-eight, and the ensuing fecal safari required three separate trips to the emergency room. Next time, take them out of the box first.
There are a number of subtle warning signs your girlfriend’s parents secretly disapprove of you and your rectal crackers. You should be concerned if your girlfriend’s parents use dinner as a chance to introduce your girlfriend to other men. An even more subtle warning sign is if her parents refuse to let you sit at the table and instead make you eat in a closet or some kind of dog carrier. At this point, you are within your rights to decline the muzzle, but refusing their offer is considered impolite. While locked inside the carrier, you should worry if you overhear the people still at the table say any of the following: “I’ve seen better looking men in the burn ward,” “We should probably have him neutered,” or “I think he’s dropping crackers from his anus.”
There are plenty of other causes for alarm that don’t involve being locked in a dog carrier. For instance, you should be suspicious if your girlfriend’s parents offer your girlfriend a car and a vibrator as a replacement for you. You should be even more concerned if your girlfriend explains why this is an unequal trade and her parents respond by offering her the same car and a much smaller vibrator. Another clue that her parent’s are less than thrilled with your existence is if their house burns down while you’re sleeping in it. After you somehow manage to escape, you might have a few questions about why the smoke detectors didn’t go off, why your door was barricaded shut, and why everyone but you seemed to be waiting safely outside with empty five-gallon cans of gasoline and instruction books on how to commit arson. When you question her mom about these odd coincidences, be wary if she responds, “We hate you and want you to die.” While subtle, such signs should not be ignored.
In most cases, your girlfriend’s parents will never like you, which is exactly why the secret to a long, healthy relationship is dating orphans.