Win the Medal, Lose at Life

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There’s nothing more disappointing than winning at the Winter Olympics. A country cold enough to produce a champion is too frigid to support human life. The nationalities of the men and women on the medal podium let everyone know the world’s three worst places to live. Jamaica does terrible at every cold-weather event, which is why millions of tourists flock to the island each year. Billboards for vacations there brag Jamaican athletes have never won gold when the temperature is below 80. It’s a huge selling point. Nations that do well at the Winter Olympics think they demonstrate their physical prowess, but all they really show are the survival skills necessary to eke out a miserable existence on a barren, frozen wasteland. Nobody is impressed.

All athletes at the Winter Olympics have the same dream: To die in an avalanche so they don’t have to live in such awful countries anymore.

The biathlon is a perfect example of an event countries outside the polar circle can’t hope to win. Athletes ski across the ice-covered countryside and periodically stop to fire a rifle. In America, anyone who went to a mountain resort with a gun would get a criminal record, not a medal. But in Scandinavia, even the toddlers are trained to be alpine snipers. Their diapers come in handy during those long, motionless stakeouts. During World War II, the Finns stopped a Soviet invasion dead in its tracks because every man, woman, and pack animal in that small country knew how to ski and shoot. Goats are underrated marksmen. When Finland wins the biathlon, it doesn’t prove Finns are the best athletes on earth. It just shows they live in perpetual fear of annihilation from across their borders. American competitors are unfairly handicapped because they live in a stable country.

There’s more to the Winter Olympics than a simulated war against Red Army soldiers. There’s also twirling. Skiing down a hill is super boring for everyone except the person doing it. Gravity lost its “wow” factor long ago. A country has to really be at rock bottom to be proud of athletes who slide down a gradual inclined plane. To fill dead airtime, TV companies forced the Olympics to add flips and spins off ramps. These aren’t intended to make the Winter Olympics interesting. Nothing could do that. The rotations simply highlight the motions the polar peoples make to avoid hypothermia when they go outside to pee. And, yes, all frozen countries have outhouses. Toronto is way too cold for plumbing.

Temperatures in Canada have been too low for liquid water since at least the Cretaceous Period.
The horizontal and vertical flips teach residents of warmer climates what to do if they ever have the misfortune to visit a country that produces a medal-winning winter athlete. The rotations provide just enough cardiovascular activity to raise a man’s core body temperature and stop his heart from freezing into a solid block of ice. That cause of death happened so often in Canada that the people there evolved to no longer have liquid blood. Instead, their red cells clump together in a semi-solid mass that has roughly the same consistency as a slushie. That’s why Canada will never invade the United States. If the Canucks go anywhere there isn’t at least a foot of snow on the ground, their veins and arteries will thaw and then explode from the added pressure. It’s a shame the process didn’t work faster in Justin Bieber. For any normal human traveler who accidentally ends up in Canada, spinning could be the difference between life and death. If the Winter Olympics can’t be entertaining, they can at least be educational.

Given the way the winter games are stacked to favor the sad and hopeless nations of the world, cold-weather countries should sweep every event. It’s a numbers game. In Russia, all people must learn to ice skate just to get around inside their unheated homes. Since the country never gets above freezing, entire cities are built directly on top of lakes and ponds. Only the very richest oil barons can afford a flooring material other than solid ice. With millions of people skating every day, the law of averages says at least a few of them should be amazing ice twirlers. Those beautiful twists and turns Moscow’s top ice skaters make during the Olympics are the same motions a normal Russian goes through every day to make a sandwich.

Any Russian who won a medal would immediately sell it to buy heating oil and a warmer coat.
But every once and a while, an athlete from a country fit for human habitation sneaks onto the medal podium. In America, skating is a mark of wealth, not poverty. An ice rink sponsored by a public school is out of the question. Due to budget cuts, most districts had to eliminate all non-essential activities, like gym class, art, and math. It’s generally too warm to skate outside, and even in those parts of the country where it does get cold, kids stay inside because they have Internet and cable TV. Everyone in Ontario is so jealous.

Since American kids of average means have other ways to amuse themselves, the ice sports are reserved for those bored, empty housewives who want to live vicariously through their children. They send their toddlers to expensive indoor ice skating classes that are a cross between a boarding school and a freezer. If the children emerge from this frozen boot camp a few decades later and win gold, their parents will finally hug them. And if not, the failed skater’s mom and dad will simply leave the family’s inheritance to a beloved racehorse instead. America is a meritocracy, after all. There’s no free love for silver medalists.

The Winter Olympics are one big joke everyone is in on except for the people who wasted their lives to train for it. It’s surreal to watch a grown man pump his arms in victory because he pushed a stone while a teammate tidied up the ice with a broom. They have yet to realize the applause is sarcastic. Luckily, the world only has to suffer through this pointless exhibition of arctic survival skills once every four years. Soon, it will be time for the Summer Olympics, or, as it’s officially known, the Real Olympics. Nobody twirls then. People are too busy proving who is the fastest and strongest in the world. Spoiler alert: It’s no one from the polar countries. They won’t even attend. As soon as they left the permafrost zone, their hearts would explode from the thaw.