Let’s face it: If you win the lottery, you’ll blow the money. You obviously make terrible choices. For example, you’re reading this website right now rather than doing something better, like literally anything else in the world. I bet you have a job and a family, or at least you did before you showed up here. If you mention my name in divorce court, you get 10 percent off your attorney fees. You’re welcome.
That’s not to say wasting lottery money is a bad thing. Without exception, the sudden influx of wealth destroys friendships and family bonds. Like most well-adjusted adults, I look forward to the day when human companionship is obsolete. But if you don’t share my eagerness to replace everyone you know with robots, you should burn through the money as quickly as possible to limit the damage it causes in your life. Your history of poor decision-making proves you’re incapable of holding onto the money anyway, so there’s no sense in stretching out the suffering. Toward that end, here’s my step-by-step guide for how to squander various quantities of money ranging from $1 to $99,000,000. Follow this advice to enjoy the thrilling plummet from unimaginable wealth to comfortable, familiar poverty.
Forget the fact that you probably spent $1 on the ticket. You didn’t break even; you won, and you should blow your prize money accordingly. Cash it in for $100 pennies and take advantage of a small child who doesn’t understand the value of money. I could use those coins to bribe my 3-year-old to do almost anything up to and including murder. No jury would convict a preschooler. If you don’t have a pressing need for an assassination, you could always bribe your son or daughter to fetch beer or the remote. Child labor statutes don’t apply to your own kids, so use that $1 prize to buy the services of the world’s cheapest butler.
|The most awkward day in any dad’s life is when his kid goes off to school and learns about minimum wage laws.|
If you win this much, the clerk at the register will hand you three $1 bills. Holding that much cash is as intoxicating as it is dangerous. To avoid getting mugged, spend the money right away on gas station cuisine that bears only a passing resemblance to food. The meat in that taco may or may not have come from an actual animal, but the calories in it are real and so are the many, many trips you’ll make to the bathroom afterward.
I actually won this much once, and it was the happiest day of my life. Nice try, wedding day and the births of my kids. I matched three numbers in ascending order, so for almost half the ticket I was on the path to the jackpot. For a split-second, I thought I would be a millionaire. That moment was the closest I’ve come to smiling since Gargamel finally ate all the Smurfs. Those little blue jerks had it coming. If you won $7, you undoubtedly completed the same emotional roller coaster that I did. Seek out the only therapy you can afford: seven $1 drafts.
This is an easy one. Go to the grocery store and slam down a crisp $100 bill on the deli counter. Take home as much steak as that buys. Then grill all of it at once. Tell no one and eat it all by yourself in a single meal. If you can’t down 20 pounds of meat in one sitting, then you don’t deserve to be happy.
Buy a riding lawnmower and a paintball gun. Drive to a crowded area and see how many pedestrians you can nail before the cops tase you. It’s cheating if you have enough money left over to make bail.
Rent two boats. As always, don’t bring any friends. There’s no point in winning money if you’re going to do something stupid like share it. Drive the first boat out to the middle of the lake and anchor it. Then swim back to shore to get the other boat. I recommend using one of those inflatable alligators. It’ll make swimming easier, and chicks will be impressed you’re riding a vicious marine predator. Once you get to shore, take the second boat and crash it into the first one. You’ll want to jump out at some point before the collision or you’ll die, which could adversely affect your plans for the rest of the day. Unless everything on TV and in the movies is a lie, the two boats should explode on impact. Congratulations: You’ve faked your own death. Use any remaining money to escape to an impoverished third-world country and live like a god.
|Be sure not to make friends in the new country. Otherwise you’ll have to fake your death all over again.|
Cash out your winnings in small, unmarked bills and put them all in a brown grocery bag. Hand it to an exotic animal dealer and go home with as many lions as he’ll give you. Don’t worry about food or fencing. They’re wild animals and will fend for themselves. You’re home-free if you can jam them into your trunk without getting eaten. Park in your neighborhood, pop the trunk, and run away. You’ll never have to worry about stray cats or Jehovah’s witnesses again.
The logical thing to do is to buy 14 Range Rovers. Link them together and use the front one to pull the others like a train. It’s hard not to impress people when you show up with more than a dozen luxury SUVs. The best part is you’ll only have to pay for gas for the front vehicle since the back ones will be tugged along with their gears in neutral. Just be careful when you get out of them. There might be a lion nearby.
Walk into a Realtor’s office and use all your money to buy houses sight-unseen. Now you have roughly a year to enjoy all those properties before the state seizes them since you can’t afford to pay taxes. I recommend sleeping in a different one each night. They won’t have electricity, running water, or furniture of any kind since that wasn’t in the budget, so take a sleeping bag and treat it like a campout. Carry all the keys to the houses on one big chain. It will weigh about 50 pounds, so lugging it around will get you in great shape. The jingling sound will be audible for miles and will attract gold diggers and lions, but luckily the huge mass of metal doubles as a weapon. Wield it wisely.
Buy the biggest factory you can afford and lay off everyone. If you aren’t willing to ruin lives, then you shouldn’t have bought a lottery ticket in the first place. Now you have a massive building full of dangerous industrial equipment all to yourself. Take prescription medication that warns users not to operate heavy machinery. Then operate heavy machinery. It’s every man’s dream.
|What those warning labels really mean is “Don’t do this because it’s too much fun.”|
This is extremely close to being a worthwhile amount of money, but the lack of that that last million renders the whole sum useless. To burn through it, invest in the toy with the most depreciation: thoroughbred racehorses. They cost millions of dollars, yet they run only four or five races in their lives before they get dumped in a pasture to breed a few times and then be turned into glue. But such majestic creatures deserve a better fate. Buy a few hundred of the most expensive ones and release them in a major metropolitan area. I recommend Manhattan. The water boundaries will force them to stay together and breed. Then New Yorkers will have to shoo multimillion-dollar thoroughbreds away from their trash cans. As far as public nuisances go, they’ll definitely be an upgrade from pigeons. It’s a much bigger deal when a 1,100 pound gelding poops on your car.
By following these plans, you should be able to rid yourself of that money in one eventful day. This approach is only necessary for sums below $100,000,000. After that point, you don’t need to worry about losing your friends and family members since you can finally afford to replace them with robots. It costs about that much to develop an android with a worthwhile number of death rays. If it doesn’t have at least six, you might as well get a cat.