What’s the most heroic thing you could do today?
Rescue a toddler from a burning building?
Rescue TWO toddlers from a burning building?
I don’t know why I said you were getting closer. Don’t trust anything I write. Except for all the stuff I’m about to write, which is totally trustworthy.
The most heroic thing you could do today is preorder my book.
Isn’t that petty and self-serving?
That’s why you can trust me. Never put your faith in someone who works against their own best interests. That’s the first symptom of insanity.
But you don’t have to worry about me. I’m clearly of sound mind because I’m willing to stand here (Well, sit here. Who types standing up?) and beg you to preorder my book. It takes courage to sacrifice my dignity in pursuit of minor profits. Where’s my medal? Or metal. I guess it’s all the pennies and nickels I’m about to rake in.
But why should you preorder rather than waiting to buy the book when it releases in October? There are many, many good reasons that I will now explain to you in a list because paragraph transitions are hard.
Because I Said So
Seriously, what better reason do you need to preorder my book? I already proved I’m trustworthy by saying I’m trustworthy. Would an untrustworthy person tell you to trust them? Yes. Yes, they would. I have no idea why I brought that up.
Preorders Count Toward Bestseller Lists
All preorders are lumped in with first-week sales. That is my best and only shot at making a bestseller list. The only thing that matters more than money is meaningless lists in newspapers nobody reads anymore. Everybody knows that. It’s in the Bible.
But don’t I have to sell more than three books to make the bestseller list?
I’m competing against all the other books coming out that week. So if I sell three copies and every other book in North America only sells two that week, BOOM, I’m on the list.
If you don’t want to buy my book, at least promise you won’t buy anybody else’s book, either. It’s literally the least you could do.
You Might Get the Book Early
This isn’t guaranteed, but major online retailers couldn’t care less about my stupid little book and it’s arbitrary release date. There’s a chance that rather than letting those three preordered paper copies take up valuable space, warehouses will simply ship them out when they receive them from the publisher. So if you preorder a physical copy, it might arrive a week or two early. Then you could read it before everyone else and enjoy premature disappointment. That phrase has been heard more than a few times in my house.
Preorders Influence How Many Copies Brick-and-Mortar Stores Order
By that I mean bookstores, not stores that literally sell bricks and mortar. I found out the hard way that masonry retailers have no interest in selling my book. Traditional retailers base how many books they stock on how many preorders a book has. So if I sell three preorders, that might convince a bookstore to order three copies as well. That potentially doubles my sales. Granted, three people still have to walk into the store and buy them. Unless one person buys all three. I don’t know why. Maybe there are birthdays coming up for three people they hate. Or maybe my books are just cheaper than firewood. I’m not picky. A sale is a sale, whether you desecrate the book or not.
You Won’t Have to Pay Till Later
Let’s say you don’t have the extremely meager amount of money needed to preorder my book. You’re in luck! Most retailers don’t charge your credit card until the order is actually fulfilled. That means you can have this minor bill hanging over your head for months and months. What a relief! In the meantime, you can work towards acquiring the necessary funds. Pick up some overtime. Earn a master’s degree to increase your earnings potential. Rob a liquor store. Do whatever it takes to earn the equivalent cost of two overpriced cups of coffee over the next few months. Or just buy the coffee. I won’t mind. I’m not competing with Starbucks for the bestseller list.
Preordering Fights Terrorism
I have no idea how. I just thought that would look good on the list. People who are skimming this article won’t know the difference.
If You Don’t Preorder, You’ll Just Blow That Money on Something Stupid Anyway
It’s not like you have that money earmarked to save the rainforest. You’re the kind of person that reads articles on a website named after a combustible horse with a horn. Clearly you make bad choices. I don’t want you to blow your money on something dumb you’ll regret later. Unless the dumb thing you blow your money on is my book. Then blow away.
It Makes You Sexier
“I just preordered a parenting guide to the zombie apocalypse” is pretty much the greatest pickup line in the history of forever. Anyone who hears it will instantly fall for you. All I ask in return is that you invite me to your wedding. Unless there’s no open bar. Then I’m busy that weekend.
As someone with a clear conflict of interest in the matter, I can say with absolute certainty that preordering my book is the best decision you’ll ever make. It’s like buying a gift for your future self. You’ll forget all about it and then be pleasantly surprised when the book shows up at your house. Or you’ll hate yourself for falling for my shameless sales pitch. Either way, I’ll make my minor royalty percentage, and that’s what really matters in life.
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