Lola Breakwell

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My wife Lola and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary this month. People are intensely curious about the mother of my children, mostly because they assume she doesn’t exist. I’ve never posted her picture, and honestly how likely is it that any woman would agree to reproduce with me four times? Yet my kids had to come from somewhere, and we all know I don’t have the budget for CGI. My family is real, including my wife. I’m as shocked as you are.

I had to overcome astronomical odds to con Lola into marrying me, and I don’t take that achievement lightly. In honor of that highly unlikely event, here are some facts about the one and only Lola Breakwell.

She Comes from a Big Family

She’s one of four kids: Three girls and a boy. I thought we might follow the same pattern with our kids. Spoiler alert: We didn’t.

She’s Exactly a Foot Shorter than Me

I’m 6’2” and she’s 5’2”. I often forget this, especially when she’s yelling. Then I’d swear she two feet taller than me.

She’s Two Months Younger than Me

Yet somehow I’m 32 and she’s 29. Figure that one out.

She Doesn’t Hold Grudges

She’s been mad at me—with justification—at least a million times, but each time she lets it go and never brings it up again. For years, this terrified me. Every stereotype about women told me she was saving it all up for one massive outburst that would end our marriage and possibly the world. But ten years into our marriage, she has yet to bring up a past argument. I guess we’ll see if the world is still here by anniversary number twenty.

She’s Tougher than You Can Possibly Imagine

She gave birth to our oldest daughter without an epidural—and mostly slept through it. She had drugs for the next three kids, but she didn’t need them. She just took them because the anesthesiologist looked like he could use the money.

She’s a Chemist

It’s kind of like being a sorcerer, but all your magic potions really work. Every day she comes home and tells me about all the complex sciency stuff she did that day, and I just nod and hope she doesn’t turn me into a newt.

Her Vision is Incredible

For years, she was blind as a bat. Actually, that’s not fair. Bats have sonar. Lola had nothing—at least not when her contacts were out. She couldn’t see the numbers on the alarm clock or me sitting in bed beside her eating a delicious ham. Although she certainly heard me eating it. Maybe she is part bat.

A few years ago, she got laser eye surgery, and now her vision is as good as mine. Maybe better. She can see across the room. She can see through walls. She can see into my soul. Don’t mess with her, not even for the sake of a bedtime ham, no matter how delicious.

We Met in College

In the first two weeks of our freshman year, she walked up to a mutual friend and offered to proofread his paper. They agreed to meet the next morning for breakfast. Me and my friend were both unclear if that was supposed to be a date or not, but he and I had already made plans to hang out. We agreed that I would show up and be a third wheel. The three of us ended up hanging out for the entire next day. Thinking Lola and my friend were interested in each other, I purposely tried not to be attracted to her. Four kids later, I can safely say that plan didn’t work out.

She Married Me Even though I had Zero Career Upside

I went to college to be a newspaper reporter. Don’t bother looking up the salary. They get paid in sad looks and angry reader emails. Despite that, she still said, “I do.” What’s the opposite of a gold digger? A poverty mound builder? That’s her.

She Supported Me When I Sold Out

I barely made it a year as a reporter when I realized if I was going to be miserable, I might as well get paid well for it. I quit being a journalist and got an unremarkable cubicle job that paid the bills. Lola fully supported the change. Maybe she only indulged my newspaper ambitions in the first place because she knew I wouldn’t stick with them. Women love a quitter.

She Supports Me Now That I’m Trying to Sell Out on Selling Out

There’s a chance I’ll break out of the cubicle and become a full time comedy writer. Unless no one buys my book, in which case I’ll be in that cubicle till I die. Lola supports my escape plan so long as I make actual dollars, not hypothetical ones. Turns out you can’t pay bills with potential.

She Has a Great Sense of Humor

Some of my tweets are true, some are exaggerated, and some are made up. Lola lets all of it slide. If she said “no,” my comedy career would have been over before it began. Everything I post on the internet is due to her low standards. Thanks, dear.

She Loves Everything Sci-Fi

Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who—You name it, she’s into it. That’s the main way we bond. And by “bond,” I mean “ignore each other in the same room while we stare at the TV.”

You’ll Probably Never See Her

There’s a difference between tolerating my shenanigans and being a part of them. She asked me to keep her picture off the internet, and I can respect that—mainly because I have no choice. She makes the rules.

My Kids All Look Like Her

If you wondered why my kids are so cute, it’s because of my wife. For all I know, they might not have any of my DNA. Lola could have cloned herself.

There’s obviously a lot more to my wife than I can fit in 1,000 words, but that’s 100 words per year of marriage, so I feel like I already overachieved. I don’t think I can keep that rate up. I better die before we hit our 50th anniversary or writing that post will kill me.