Jell-O Man

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Here’s a completely true story: A few days ago I spent almost 3 hours posing for pictures with Jell-O. It turns out rock bottom is orange and jiggly. At least this time I can pinpoint the moment my life spiraled … Continued

Console Wars

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With the PlayStation 4 already on store shelves and the release of the Xbox One just days away, consumers now have several great options for ignoring their families. Like most adults who are married with children, I have neither the … Continued

Cavity Search

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I only judge people by criteria on which I come out ahead. That’s why I estimate your value as a human being based on your height and ability to eat large quantities of waffles. If those standards gained wider acceptance, … Continued

Stop Going the Distance

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Marathons are great if you hate everyone, including yourself. Training for one guarantees you’ll spend countless hours alone and in incredible pain. I’ve never run exactly 26.2 miles, but I have finished three ultras ranging from 32 to 43 miles. … Continued

Waste of Time

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I’m thinking about rolling back my calendar to 2012 to get an extra year. That makes exactly as much sense as gaining an hour through daylight saving time. It’s been a few days since the time change took effect, but … Continued

Cocaine and Oreos

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Scientists recently announced Oreos are more addictive than cocaine. These researchers clearly haven’t tried at least one of those things. Next they’ll probably tell us Magic: The Gathering is more addictive than sex with a woman. I’ve never done drugs, … Continued

Moving Targets

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I had an epiphany today: Holidays can be moved. My town just did exactly that. A huge storm rolled in on Halloween, so the mayor shifted trick or treating to Saturday. Just like that, he obliterated thousands of years of … Continued

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