Misinformation

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It‘s recently come to my attention that my wife has contracted a severe case of pregnancy. Symptoms include abdominal swelling, exhaustion, and baby-induced insanity. Lola’s unbalanced hormones have led to more than a few good stories, all of which I … Continued

Close Call

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I’m twenty-four years old. I have a wife, a house, and a college degree. Two days ago, I almost pooped my pants. I say this not with shame, but with triumph. The mere fact that I can say “almost” instead … Continued

License to Grill

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I’ve never been diagnosed with a terminal disease, but I imagine that news is a lot less devastating than learning you’re no longer allowed to grill on the deck of your second-story apartment. My lease has a clause that lets … Continued

Valedictorian Speech

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Here’s the valedictorian speech I gave May 5, 2007, at my alma mater. At the end of it, the president of the college didn’t even clap. The crowd, however, loved it, and I made the bishop laugh. If you’re thinking … Continued

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