Stop Going the Distance

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

Marathons are great if you hate everyone, including yourself. Training for one guarantees you’ll spend countless hours alone and in incredible pain. I’ve never run exactly 26.2 miles, but I have finished three ultras ranging from 32 to 43 miles. … Continued

Waste of Time

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

I’m thinking about rolling back my calendar to 2012 to get an extra year. That makes exactly as much sense as gaining an hour through daylight saving time. It’s been a few days since the time change took effect, but … Continued

Cocaine and Oreos

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

Scientists recently announced Oreos are more addictive than cocaine. These researchers clearly haven’t tried at least one of those things. Next they’ll probably tell us Magic: The Gathering is more addictive than sex with a woman. I’ve never done drugs, … Continued

Moving Targets

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

I had an epiphany today: Holidays can be moved. My town just did exactly that. A huge storm rolled in on Halloween, so the mayor shifted trick or treating to Saturday. Just like that, he obliterated thousands of years of … Continued

Sleep with the Lights On

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

I’m normally indifferent to strange noises in my house, but after watching a scary movie I suddenly think every unidentified creak is an approaching race horse. I consider Seabiscuitto be a horror film because I’m freaked out by any animal … Continued

Three is a Crowd

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

My wife is pregnant, and I’m excited because there’s a good chance the baby is mine. Just so we’re clear, I’m sharing this news with you guys before I tell my parents. That’s how much I value random strangers on … Continued

The Perfect Kitchen

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

I have a confession to make: I don’t have granite countertops or stainless steel appliances. Please don’t look at me; I’m a monster. I’ve seen more than one newlywed on TV look over a room that has bland, laminate surfaces … Continued

The Family Farm

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

Given my total inability to care for other living things, it’s somewhat surprising I’m descended from a long line of farmers. When I was born, my parents lived on land owned by my family for at least three generations. One … Continued

Blameless

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

When the lady in charge of my daughters’ daycare asked to speak to me yesterday, a familiar question crossed my mind: How have I failed as a parent this time? Daycare doesn’t expect much from my kids. All my 3-year-old … Continued

1 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 20