Cocaine and Oreos

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Scientists recently announced Oreos are more addictive than cocaine. These researchers clearly haven’t tried at least one of those things. Next they’ll probably tell us Magic: The Gathering is more addictive than sex with a woman. I’ve never done drugs, … Continued

Moving Targets

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I had an epiphany today: Holidays can be moved. My town just did exactly that. A huge storm rolled in on Halloween, so the mayor shifted trick or treating to Saturday. Just like that, he obliterated thousands of years of … Continued

Sleep with the Lights On

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I’m normally indifferent to strange noises in my house, but after watching a scary movie I suddenly think every unidentified creak is an approaching race horse. I consider Seabiscuitto be a horror film because I’m freaked out by any animal … Continued

Three is a Crowd

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My wife is pregnant, and I’m excited because there’s a good chance the baby is mine. Just so we’re clear, I’m sharing this news with you guys before I tell my parents. That’s how much I value random strangers on … Continued

The Perfect Kitchen

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I have a confession to make: I don’t have granite countertops or stainless steel appliances. Please don’t look at me; I’m a monster. I’ve seen more than one newlywed on TV look over a room that has bland, laminate surfaces … Continued

The Family Farm

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Given my total inability to care for other living things, it’s somewhat surprising I’m descended from a long line of farmers. When I was born, my parents lived on land owned by my family for at least three generations. One … Continued

Blameless

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When the lady in charge of my daughters’ daycare asked to speak to me yesterday, a familiar question crossed my mind: How have I failed as a parent this time? Daycare doesn’t expect much from my kids. All my 3-year-old … Continued

Trustworthy Liars

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Whoever said honesty is the best policy must have been an anarchist bent on destroying civilization. Whether the lie is “I like that dress,” “That’s a good idea, boss,” or “I love you,” dishonesty is what makes the world work. … Continued

99 Percent Better

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Life isn’t any better for the richest one percent of the population than it is for the rest of us. Once you have enough money to meet your basic needs, like food, clothing, and an amazing cable package that includes … Continued

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