The Moon is for People

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Right now there’s a robot driving around Mars and a satellite leaving the solar system. We’re letting machines do all the cool jobs, and one of these days they’re bound to notice. Lifeless automatons can tackle missions we can’t because … Continued

Resolved to be Worse

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Millions of optimists make New Year’s resolutions to lose weight or find love, but by January 2nd it’s clear every single one of them will eventually die fat and alone. I’m not sure why people are so eager to kick … Continued

Reading is Stupid

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America has a crisis with literacy: We have too much of it. Rather than being the leisurely pursuit of the aristocracy, reading is now within reach of commoners who have neither the moral nor intellectual capacity to handle it. Words … Continued

Bring a Spoon to a Gun Fight

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No matter where you live in America, there’s one issue that’s too controversial to discuss: spoon control. Whenever the debate on gun rights crops up, someone sagely states, “If guns kill people, then spoons make people fat.” Then the conversation … Continued

Parked in the Fast Lane

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I’m ashamed to admit this, but here it goes: I don’t have a garage. Instead of sheltering my car under the roof it deserves, I leave it outside like I’m some kind of barbarian. Genghis Khan would be right at … Continued

Expansion and Contraction

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Not to brag, but I’m really good at gaining weight. My goal in life is to find a situation where that’s actually useful. I haven’t figured out the details yet, but I suspect it would involve an out-of-control hot air … Continued

Help Yourself

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The problem with personal service is the “person” part of it. I go to restaurants to avoid starvation without the hassle of cooking for myself. I don’t do it to hang out with someone who thinks a huge, creepy smile … Continued

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