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The parenting humorist behind the viral Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn and author of Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse presents the long-awaited guide to surviving everything else

In the era of instant parent shaming and viral hot takes, some questions are too dangerous to ask out loud: What’s the proper first aid for my toddler’s vampire bite? What should I do if I take a wrong turn on the way to soccer practice and end up in the Cretaceous Period? How can I fend off Godzilla without disrupting my child’s nap?

Fortunately, there’s now a parenting resource that answers those burning questions and many more.

Professional comedy writer and amateur father James Breakwell’s latest book tackles more than 90 survival challenges ordinary parents might encounter in their everyday lives, including:

  • How to protect your child against tigers, penguins, mastodons, and other animals found in the suburbs.
  • How to defeat ghosts, gremlins, mummies, and any other supernatural force that might prevent you from getting your kid to bed on time.
  • How to survive famous works of literature, classic video games, and dozens of other pop culture scenarios that become instantly deadly when you add a kid to the mix.

This is an essential guide for anyone who has children, might have children someday, or is vaguely aware children exist. Put this book down at your own—and your children’s—risk.


“Not worried about random ostrich attacks? Maybe you should be. All the good parents are reading How to Save Your Child. You do want to be a good parent, don’t you? James Breakwell is brilliant, funny, hilarious, and possibly someone you’d want to have nearby in cases of ostrich attacks and accidental time travel, but what you definitely want to have around is his new book, which is a hysterical, survivable romp through this mad world.”

—Carrie Jones, New York Times bestselling author of Need

“I adore this book, which, by the way, all parents should read for a laugh or just to realize you’re not alone in the insanity.” 

—Jill Shalvis, New York Times bestselling author of The Lucky Harbor series

“Nonstop, laugh-out-loud wit sprinkled with shockingly insightful parenting truths. Literally, no other parenting book has the courage to address accidental time travel. Bravo.” 

—Joel Willis, executive editor of The Dad

“James has done it again with another hilarious book that manages to be completely off-the-wall and entirely relatable at the same time! Thanks to James’s book, I’m prepared for any situation and several steps closer to immortality.”

—Hal Lublin, voiceover actor and host of the podcast We Got This

Read It for Free

Download the first eighty pages in your preferred file format:



Mobi (Kindle)